What if I was missing?

It had been nearly a week since I had seen myself. It wasn’t like me to not show up at work, to not be right there in the middle of the trenches. The others at work didn’t even seem to notice. Were they all so involved in their own lives to not even realize a co worker was missing?

Even at home I was nowhere to be seen. Not out in the yard trimming the trees, not in the driveway washing down the car and not even on the porch kicked back in my deck chair. The place seemed too quiet. The usual sights and sounds were gone.

After the second day I called the police to report myself missing. They seemed to be confused and were harsh with me, telling me it wasn’t something they could help with. Why can’t the police help with a missing person? It’s part of their job and I waited the forty eight hours before filing the report.

I debated calling a Private Investigator, but I am unsure where to find one and I don’t have the money to spend. I know money shouldn’t matter when it comes to finding yourself, but when you have none it always matters.

I thought about placing posters in the neighborhood but what should they say? Again I have nothing for a reward and I’m not sure if people will even notice the posters without one.

missing1

Missing. Man of approximately forty years old. Friendly sort that answers to the name of JED and enjoys the occasional beer, just don’t feed him more than three or he may become vicious and bite.

I’m really starting to get worried. This is so unlike myself. I always know where I am going and when I am coming back. This time is different and I’m not sure what to do. Maybe it’s time I started doing some investigating of my own.

I need to speak with the family. See if any of them know anything. I have a few suspicions already, but nothing to pinpoint anything certain. Maybe someone will know a little more about me than I know about myself. If I left willingly, where would I have went and how do we get me back?

I started casing the neighborhood and asking the neighbors questions. I would show them a picture and ask if they had seen the man in the photo. Most of them just looked at me or stared, maybe started laughing a bit and said are you kidding. I’m not sure what’s got them spooked, but no one was talking and most just quickly got away from me.

I guess the social networks are next. I’m starting on this blog and will try to share the search on other places. If you have seen me or know anything that could help me find myself please let me know. No matter how small the detail, anything may help.

What if I owned my own tank?

tank2If I owned a big tank

First place I’d go was the bank

Park it in just the right space

And point it just the right place

Go in and see Mr. Malone

Dare him to say no to my loan

He might want to be a bit careful

Before he starts mentioning collateral

tank1If I called a tank mine

I would drive it all the time

I know it don’t drive that fast

But man the trip is a blast

Everyone better stay out of my way

Or they might have a really bad day

With my tank I don’t use the brakes

Sometimes cars become pancakes

tank-143400_640If a tank I could drive

Man I’d feel so alive

I’d travel all night and day

Try to stop me I blow you away

The tank has a really big gun

I shoot it and you are done

The blast makes such a sight

I laugh with complete delight

cop-156053_640A tank and I’d be so happy

I know it sounds a bit sappy

Just imagine the fun to be had

I guess I enjoy being a bit bad

Now the police want to get involved

I fire once and the problems resolved

No more police to get in my way

But now the army they want to play

explosions-3591_640 (1)A tank has now got me in trouble

It seems I created too much rubble

I was just having a bit of fun

Now my actions have me on the run

See the army they have tanks too

Their saying I’ll get what I’m due

I’ve created such a big mess

I’m scared now I must confess

militarism-152789_640 (1)I thought owning a tank would be great

Instead it has sealed my fate

My destructive days are all done

This time the authorities have won

I might be on my way to jail

But I’ve got quite a tale to tell

Getting caught was never the plan

But I’ll do it all again if I can

What if I faked my life?

Sometimes it feels as if I am lost.

I stand on the outside and stare in on life.

I can only watch as the mistakes unfold.

Why did I not see the fault in my actions?dandelion-333093_640

Why couldn’t I step in and stop the shame?

Do others see me as I see myself?

Do they know I am lost, adrift in the wind?

Where am I going, where have I been?

I think it’s time I take control

Find my way and make my choices

I need to be more than I am

No more drifting, just getting by

Time for me to be a better man

Faking my life no longer an option

Living the fullest is now my plan

What if toilet paper was rare?

The conveniences of modern life are numerous. We often wonder what life might be like if we didn’t have computers, electricity or the cell phone. We don’t tend to think about some of the lesser conveniences such as a pencil, bottled water or toilet paper. How different would life be if these items became a rarity? How would you react to toilet paper being in short supply? The following post considers this possibility.

Trigger warning: Poop related jokes


Once we had an array of any type of toilet paper we could imagine. There were rough types, soft types, scented, unscented, with prints and without. We could buy a single roll, a four pack, an eight pack and so forth. It was available at nearly any grocery, department or convenience store. Billions of rolls were probably sold every year and I am pretty certain anyone reading this blog has taken advantage of a few of those rolls.toilet-roll-220415_150

That was the past and now the toilet paper is disappearing. The worlds dirty bottoms are too many for the supply to handle. It was warned that soon the paper may be running out if people continued to wad large amounts with each swipe, use in place of a handkerchief for nasal issues or as a glass cleaning wipe but no one listened.

No one believed and now we find that the bathrooms are empty. The lonely cardboard rolls are all that is left on the holders. The full rolls are so scarce only the richest can afford to purchase them. Whenever the old stories of papering someone’s yard come up they cause an outbreak of tears. How could we have wasted so much? Why didn’t we understand how good we had it?

The amount of stress caused and the escalation in violence have been linked directly to the shortage of toilet paper. It seems when you can’t get your back end cleaned it causes most people to become irritable and easily angered. They feel smelly and dirty throughout the day until they can get properly cleaned with a shower or bath and even sometimes those do not help.

Crowded areas such as public transportation, sporting events or shopping malls is where we have seen the most outbreaks of TP related violence. When you get that many people in close quarters someone is going to lose it. Going into a public restroom causes anxiety by itself but add in the fact of knowing you are not going to be able to fully clean yourself and it is so much worse. Now multiply that feeling by the hundreds to thousands of people in these places and you might understand why the violent outburst are happeningpunch-316605_150.

Brown finger syndrome has also become a traumatic new disorder. The people who never washed after their bathroom trips are now suffering this awful complication of not having available toilet paper. If they were unable to adapt and learn to wash they are shunned. Others immediately pick up on their disorder and just stay clear or decide to ridicule them.

It seems no one knows what to do about the problem or even why it is happening. The shelves were packed with toilet paper one day and then empty the next. Since then they have remained that way. Anytime an official or public figure is asked about the problem they just state no comment or ignore the question completely.

Now other things are beginning to become scarce. Other types of paper products that have been used for the lacking TP are slowly disappearing. Paper towels, newspapers and writing paper are all still around but seen a bit less. Bottoms are sore and the toilets are being clogged with these substitutes. The backup in both is causing even worse problems.

There seems to be no end to the consequences caused by this situation. As the great Beavis once predicted - running around in a panic and screaming “I need TP for my bunghole” has become a reality for almost everyone.the-great-cornholio

What if I could wag my tail?

My wife fusses with me sometimes because like most guys, I tend to hide my emotions. I will keep them bottled up and to myself, not ready to share my sensitive side with the world. If only I had a tail I could wag things might be so much simpler.

When my wife made it home from work I could meet her at the door. Normally she might get upset if I didn’t look excited to see her but a tail wag would cure that. She would instantly know how glad I was she was home and I wouldn’t even need to hump her leg.

Of course it might get me in trouble as well. If we took a vacation to the beach and while walking with her I got a bit over excited by all the bikini clad babes it would be hard to hide my feelings. Too ecstatic a tail wag and we might spend the evening fighting in our hotel room.bark

What if the tail was a part of all men? Just imagine the tail waging that might happen at an all you can eat buffet, the racetrack or the strip club. A car show might be a dangerous place. They would need to rope off the cars and keep the men a certain distance away for fear of dents in the cars.

Dreams might cause a few problems as well. The wife would get tired of having to straighten the covers and pick them up off the floor after a good dream caused the tail to go wild. She might also want to know what the dream was about and not believe you when you said you didn’t remember. Just because you have a tail doesn’t mean you want to sleep in the dog house, right?

I can’t help but picture a bunch of men sitting at a bar with their tails hanging off the barstools. If someone wanted to pick a fight they just need to grab another man’s tail and it would be on! All the other men would gather around chanting fight, fight while their tails wagged about.

Okay now I feel like I’ve drifted way out there on this subject. It started as a thought about showing my emotions with the wife and has now gone a bit off course to where I have weirded myself out. Probably time to hit the bed. Hope I don’t have weird dreams about wagging tails tonight. At least not on a bunch of men!

What if I could be a thief?

There is just something about thievery that seems sexy. Sure it is against the law, the commandments and your mother’s wishes, but maybe that’s part of why it seems enticing. Someone tells you not to do something and you automatically want to do it.

burglar-308858_150Anyone can aspire to be a super-hero, a professional athlete or a world leader. I want to be different. I want to be a world class thief. A mystery man in the shadows who strikes then disappears. Someone you may never see but will always fear.

I don’t think I could just rob random people on the street or anything. I see myself as a bit more Robin Hood. You know, steal from the rich and give to the poor. Of course since I’m poor I get to keep quite a bit for myself.

I might set up a web page for people to contact me. If they know of someone who received their riches by ill gotten means, I can relieve them of their funds. The people who financially gained at the expense of others

Let’s say someone is missing and the prime suspect writes a book about the law’s attempt to pin the disappearance on them. The book is a bestseller and they tour the talk shows. Everyone knows they are guilty and the whole time they are laughing their way to the bank. I can fix that.

A failing business burns down and takes two surrounding businesses with it. The authorities suspect arson but have no proof. The business owner walks away with a substantial payout from his insurance company while the other two business owners fight tooth and nail to get their stores back up and running. Is it coincidence his insurance policy was worth more than three times what his business was? Maybe someone should tell him he doesn’t deserve his gains or maybe someone should just take them from him.

There are also those that did nothing wrong yet don’t deserve the riches they receive. Like the filthy rich couple who win the Power Ball jackpot. As if the millions they have aren’t enough they now win more when so many other people are praying for help. They don’t need all those extra zeros in their bank accounts and I don’t mind helping relieve them of a few.

homeless-295489_150Then there are those who fake being poor to make some extra bucks. A man who stands on a busy corner holding a sign that reads homeless while accepting donations. After a few hours he collects his money and drives his benz home to count it. Maybe he isn’t rich, but he doesn’t deserve to keep what others worked hard for. Taking advantage of others generous nature is about as wrong as you can get.

So the inner thief in me wants out. Biggest problem is I usually can’t make it from the bedroom to the bathroom without stubbing my toe or tripping. Being a stealthy thief is pretty much out of the question.

Then again there are always movies, books and video games where I can immerse myself in the world of an outlaw thief. It’s not as sexy, but it’s a lot safer.

What if your smile got stuck?

You know how your parents always said if you kept it up your face was going to get stuck that way? What if it really happened? You heard a joke and in the middle of a laughing smile your lips froze in place with teeth front and center.

Everywhere you went people would see you and think, “What’s he so happy about?” Or “Don’t smile at me, you don’t know me!”nerd-155841_640

It seems odd that a smile could upset people, but sometimes a somber, emotionless face is what we like to see when we are out. Anything else and we get jealous. We can’t stand for someone else to be happier than we are.

So not only is your smiling frozen face frowned upon at work while the boss is chewing you out or at the in-laws when they are telling the story of how their sweet aunt passed, it can also upset people you don’t even know.

When someone tells you your face might get stuck be afraid, be very afraid. People who say a smile can make all the difference have probably never thought about having one permanently.

Just think if you were caught with that big frozen smile while using your computer. Others might think you were being really naughty. Smile and the world will smile with you, unless they think you are watching porn. Then they will frown and look at you sadly.

What is the worst place you can think of to be smiling widely? Let me know what you think in the comments.