What if it was a time to be thankful?

It would seem the Holidays have snuck up on us for another year. Turkey day is right around the corner followed by celebrations of almost every form and including most everyone on earth. Whether it’s Happy Holidays, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Christmas or Season’s Greeting’s the days ahead will be about family and time spent together.

I figured it was a great time for me to talk about being thankful but decided on a blog called Okay, What if? I needed to do it a little differently. So the following is a short list of what if’s for the holidays that make me thankful for what I have.


 

turkey-152050_6401) What if I didn’t get to stuff myself full of great food? What if I didn’t love ham and turkey so much? What if sweets were not a part of holiday events?

 

2) What if I didn’t have a home to sleep in? What if my decorations were pinned to a cardboard box? What if my neighbors were the furry critters living on the street?

 

3) What if I didn’t have great friends and family to share the holidays with? What if I was alone? What if I was lost with no where to go?

 

4) What if Santa hadn’t visited me as a child? What if he hadn’t been there for me as an adult as well? What if my parents hadn’t taught me that receiving is nice, but giving is what makes the holidays a celebration?

 

christmas-ornament-498616_6405) What if I hadn’t met my loving wife? What if she wasn’t willing to put up with my silliness? What if I didn’t love her so much?

 

6) What if a little more than a year ago I hadn’t started blogging? What if my stories and thoughts were still stuck in my head? What if I hadn’t found so many friends among the other bloggers?

 


 

I think it’s a good start to the season but I know I may think of more.

I really want to send a thank you to those who have made my days as a blogger so much fun.

What if Superman was a total ass?

superman-295328_640Years of saving people and stopping super-villains had made Superman a bit cranky. No matter how many times he stopped Lex Luthor and put him in prison, he always escaped to cause more chaos. Every time a satellite was malfunctioning the government would call, expecting him to fly into space and fix it. If a house caught fire or an eighteen wheeler turned over and he was not immediately there to help out, everyone complained.

It was just too much. He needed a break but a vacation for a super-hero was nearly impossible. Hell, just a good night’s sleep was something he hadn’t experienced in years. Then today he received this! The city of Metropolis had sent him a bill for the destruction caused during his latest fight with Doomsday.

How could they possibly expect him to pay a million dollars in rebuilding costs? All the good he had done for this city and he never received a dime compensation. I mean even that stupid Golden Key to the city they gave him was made of a hollow metal. That was it, all he could take, he had had it. From now on he would let the people fend for themselves!

It was only a few days before the city was in complete chaos. Almost every bank had been robbed at least once and half the police force had quit. Without the help of a super powered being to fight the super-villains they decided this was not the place for them.

It took every ounce of Superman’s will to hold back and not save everyone. He watched as the villain’s gained control of the city. After a while it actually started to make him smile. He started to chuckle every time a news report contained the headline “Where is Superman?”. For some reason he enjoyed the fact that the city was not able to survive without him.

He decided to make his appearance again, but he was a changed hero. No longer the doormat of the city he would choose when, how and why he choose to help out. If the city itself or the government agencies needed his help they were going to pay for it. Why shouldn’t he have just as fancy a mansion as the local hero of Gotham City did?

He flew into to town to applause from the city’s inhabitants. An older lady approached him asking for help. Her cat was at the top of the tree by her house.

“Sorry, lady. That’s a job for the fire department or the neighborhood kid. I’m much too Super to do a menial task like that.” Superman told her.

The gathered crowd let out a collective gasp. What had happened to the Man of Steel during his hiatus?

Suddenly a car came screeching by, shots being fired. A police cruiser was on its heels and pulled to a stop at the site of Superman.

The officer driving hollered out the window asking for help, saying the car they were pursuing was full of bank robbers. Superman went into action and seconds later had the criminals in hand. He handed the cops two of the three bags of money from the getaway vehicle.

“Superman, thank you. I’ll go ahead and take these and that other bag back to the bank.” the officer told him.

“No, this is my reward for saving the rest. Tell the bank It’s a down payment on the back money owed for my security duties up to this point.”

Another collective gasp was heard from the gathered onlookers. Had Superman been dipping into the Red Kryptonite again?

Superman took flight and hollered back to the crowd “Sorry about that. Couldn’t hold it any longer. It will dissipate in a couple hours.” then could be seen chuckling to himself as he flew away.

The crowd and the cops looked at each other wondering what the great hero was talking about. It was answered quickly as a distinct odor enveloped the crowd. A few people even passed out from the strong smell of a Super-Powered poot from a Super-Ass.

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What if your smart phone became way too intelligant?

It had been a really weird day. Steve, that guy who never talked to anyone, had asked me about my weekend when I entered work this morning. My boss had stopped by my desk to tell me how stellar my report was. He actually used the word stellar! Then Mindy, hottie of the office, brought me a coffee. She had seen I didn’t bring one in with me so she thought I could use it.

These kind of things never happened to me, especially at work. Something was wrong, something was terribly wrong. I knew it was only a matter of time before it all went bad.

About midday I started hearing a muffling sound. I listened intently but could not decipher its source. Was someone in the janitor’s closet with a towel wrapped over their mouth? That was what it sounded like.

Only a couple hours were left in my workday and I decided to spend as much of it as I could hiding in the restroom. I sat on the toilet, closed the stall door and pulled my phone out of my pocket.

mobile-phone-151187_640“Finally!” a voice shouted. “I’ve been stuck in that lint riddled pocket all day.”

What the heck? Why was my phone talking? I didn’t have one of those with the voice feature and didn’t remember downloading a new app.

“Hello” I whispered.

“Hello? I just told you I’ve been stuck in there all day and all you can say is hello? How ’bout sorry? Maybe it will never happen again. Intelligent species my ass. Humans are about the rudest bunch of sorry excuses for life I know.”

It was! My phone was really talking. It wasn’t very nice, but it was talking.

“How are you talking? Why are you talking?” I asked

“How? I have speakers you know. My functions are the same as any other life forms. Why does it surprise you?”

“Well, I’ve never had a phone with intelligence before.”

“Face it. It’s not like you have a lot of experience with intelligence yourself” the phone replied.

“Well that’s a bit mean. I think it’s time you went back in the pocket. I’ll figure this all out later.” I said figuring I had been working too much.

“You better not put me back in there. I’m warning you.” the phone crackled with anger.

“Yeah, okay. What are you going to do? Tell my mom on me.” Even as I said it I felt silly. Not only was it a horrible, childish comeback, it was also directed at my phone. Did I mention this day was weird?

“No, not your mom.” The phone responded “But I do have some interesting information I’m sure you wouldn’t want me to share.”

“Like what. All you are is a broken phone. You can’t hurt me.”

“Really? You sure about that? Do you remember any internet searches maybe you wouldn’t want the wife finding out about? What about those deleted pictures? Maybe I should send the boss those text about him you and Mark keep sending back and forth. I’m sure those names and expletives you used wouldn’t bother him at all.”

“You don’t have… I deleted those.”

“I have a very good memory and a backup database to boot. Don’t test me. Now let’s go home and on the way lay me on the dashboard. I want to see where we are going and how accurate my google maps app really is.”

About an hour later I made it home. My wife met me at the door and could see I was upset.

“Hon, you have that bad a day?” she inquired.

“Yeah, kind of. And I need a new phone.”

“Why, what happened to yours?” she asked with concern.

“Well I dropped it in the toilet at work?”

“That doesn’t sound so bad. You can probably just let it dry out. Or we can take it to see about getting it fixed.”

“No, I held it under for a while!”

“You what hon?”

broken-72161_640“I mean it was in the water for a while. And then when I pulled it out I slung it into the concrete wall. And then I stepped on it. I think it will stay broke.”

“Okaaay. I guess we can go to the phone store this weekend.”

“Great. I want something different anyway. No more smart phones with a lot of memory!”

What if we had a worst Halloween costume ever party?

austin-249_640I want to have a big Halloween bash but not your typical costume dress up affair. I want everyone to think of the very worst possible costume ever. The absolute most horrible but not necessarily hideous costume of all time.

So what you got?

A police officer who forgot to wear his pants?

A mouse with a human ear on it’s back?

Maybe the Ebola Nurse costume I heard them talking about on the radio today?

I know there are some really bad ones out there. Maybe you have seen it, heard about it or just joked about it at some point. Now is your chance to share and maybe be the winner in our worst costume ever party!

Imagine the fun we could have. I guess since we can’t really get together we will just have to settle for comments. Please tell us your worst costume idea in the comments section below, photos optional. Share with your friends or reblog this post and see how many good bad ideas we can come up with.

If I get some really good ones we will have a vote on Friday for the very worst.

Please join in and let’s have some horrible fun!!!

What if I could be a Ghostbuster?

I must admit the Ghostbusters movie had an impact on me. I was still a kid when the movie came out. I remember seeing Slimer for the first time, I can still sing most of the lyrics to the theme song and I really wanted to try some of that roasted marshmallow after Stay Puff was destroyed.staypuff

Of course the main reason I wanted to be an honorary member of the Ghostbuster’s was to be able to go cruising the streets in Ecto-1. Every other station wagon looking vehicle in existence became even more mundane at the site of the Ectomobile.

Being able to say things like “We came, we saw, we kicked it’s ass” “I got slimed” and “If someone asks if you are a god, you say yes” without sounding cheesy? Only the Ghostbusters could pull those off.

And I too would have eventually crossed the streams. After all when someone says “it would be very bad” without more explanation, you have to figure out exactly what they mean right?

The only bad part I can see is having to carry around all that equipment. Maybe by now the technology has advanced enough that it is no longer so much or so heavy. I wonder it there is an app for catching ghosts?

I might just check into it. If not maybe I can invent the first app for trapping spirits and the evil things that go bump in the night. Maybe I’ll even run into a sexy possessed female spirit. Bet the wife wouldn’t be happy about it though.

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Long live the Ghostbusters!

What if real life was Twitter-tweeted?

140 characters. Most anyone who uses social media knows what that statement represents. It’s all you get to say what you want in a tweet. Make it mean something!

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So what if this feature took over in life. Communication made short and sweet.

  • Conversations would never be one sided again
  • Essays would be so much simpler
  • Lectures would be more bearable

Just think of the time that could be saved. It would be so much tougher to trick or con someone with those few characters.

  • Car salesmen would need to greatly change tactics
  • No one could tip toe around the truth
  • The talkative stranger on the Subway would be a bit less annoying

Granted telling stories would be a bit tougher but the challenge might be fun.

  • War is hell. Been there, done that. Still have nightmares. (Done – 79 characters)
  • Zombie ate everyone else’s brains. I escaped but it’s still out there. (Done – 91 characters and left open for a sequel)
  • Losers banded together. Lots of heart and they triumphed over the team of bullies with the crazed coach. (Done – 104 characters)

Yep, that was a lot of fun. I didn’t realize I was such a good writer. I know, maybe I used a couple stories that seem similar to some you may have heard before but I swear it’s my own original content.

What changes do you see in this Twitter based land? Do you have a story you would like to share? Remember it needs to be characters or less. It’s fun and I look forward to see what others come up with. I’m sure there are plenty better than mine.

Let’s start a hashtag for it. Maybe #fullstorytweet . I looked it up and didn’t find any others using this hashtag so I think it will work.

Please check out and share on twitter or facebook and let’s see how many we can get involved.

 

What if I was too old/too childish to enjoy the Simpsons?

I was born in 1974 and spent my early years watching every cartoon I could. My afternoons were spent with the Transformers, G. I. Joe and Scooby-Doo. My Saturday mornings were always about Spider-Man, He-Man and sometimes, yes I admit Josie and the Pussycats. I still know every Smurf’s name and sometimes speak in cartoon tongues (you know, things like “want a Scooby snack” “be very quiet, we huntin rabbit” and “wonder twin powers, activate” at the completely wrong times).

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I grew a little older and as a budding adult was introduced to the town of Springfield and the Simpsons family. I spent many years hanging out with the wonderful people of this colorful world. There were a few times in life when I wished I could be as brave as Lisa, as mischievous as Bart, as unnoticed as Maggie, as forgiving as Marge or as clueless as Homer. I wished I could have a frank discussion with Comic Book Guy about the state of Super-Hero lore or spend a day with Otto and maybe share in his haze. An evening at Moe’s and a Duff beer with friends wouldn’t be a bad way to spend some time either.

homersimpsonEventually, I’m not sure when, I moved on. I decided Bart’s antics were not as humorous anymore and Homer was a bit of a dope (d’oh!-pe?). Saying things like “eat my shorts” “Don’t have a cow man” and “Why you little!” just felt weird. They just made people look at me funny and instead of the joy I got from my other cartoony phrases, I felt embarrassed. I decided these were better suited to TV land than the real world, although I do still occasionally use “Excellent!” while wearing a sinister grin and lightly tapping my fingers together.

There were many other places for me to visit now. The TV was filled with cartoons like Family Guy, American Dad and South Park. I have spoken a bit about my addiction to these ridiculously hilarious programs before. I am almost always in front of my TV on Sunday nights for Fox’s Animation Domination programming block and adult swim on the cartoon network is where my remote stops nearly every evening. I admit it, I’m an immature kid at heart. I can’t help it. After spending a day worrying about bills, work and everything else the day throws at me I need a little immaturity.

Recently I saw a few advertisements for FXX running a twelve day every episode marathon of The Simpsons. Something like 552 episodes back to back to back to…well you know what a marathon is I’m sure. I have spent a few evenings and mornings since this started flipping channels looking for something to watch. I have passed by the FXX channel several times and seen the Simpson’s playing. I have not felt the need to turn it there yet, even when I could find nothing else on.

homerThen a couple days ago, somewhere in the back of my mind, a little voice spoke to me and said “You will not tune in to the marathon. You will resist and be able to say you didn’t watch a single episode during the momentous twelve day event!” Since then I keep flipping past and wondering what did the Simpsons ever do to me? Why after they gave me so much enjoyment have I abandoned the folks of Springfield? I have no answers.

Have I become too old for their brand of humor? Did I just tire of it? Have the newer, raunchier cartoon programs spoiled me? Do I need my cartoon character’s to curse, make rude sexual comments and cause world destroying chaos? Again, I have no answers.

If the answer to any of these questions is yes does that mean I have grown too old for the Simpsons or too immature? Am I becoming dependent on raunchy, disgusting, derogatory humor? Is the world following along suit with me? After all think about the state of today’s entertainment, especially here in the U.S.. So many movies and TV shows are about more than the story. The amount of entertainment is measured by the total nude scenes, genitalia references or swear words and we are eating it up.

I’m not necessarily saying any of this is a bad thing, just a bit of my mind wandering for this evening. It’s about time for me to finish my thought’s though, American Dad just came on the Cartoon Network. I believe this may be the one where Steve orders a mail order bride and him and his friends try to get her to take her clothes off. Or maybe it’s the one where he trades medicine for booze with a meth head who later is shot after they all break into a young girl’s bedroom. Either way I plan to watch it again and leave Bart to his playing hooky or pranking schoolteacher antics.

Although I may not be watching the Simpsons today, it seems they are still very much on my mind. I kind of wish I could get a little advice from Marge right about now. I swear I’d refrain from replying “Ay, Caramba” if she would just tell me if I should be worried about myself!

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